It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
3pm strippers are depressing
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
