It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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