the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize