My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
