so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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