seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize