New low: just hacked my moms facebook
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
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