I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
