whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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