you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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