My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
