ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
