Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
