I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you donโt have to recycle anymore ๐๐
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