somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
