There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
