some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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