I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
