If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i came on her dog
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
