Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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