mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
