I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
