Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
