I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
