We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
