I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
