every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize