goodnight i made you a song goodbye
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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