Your mouth is God's brothel.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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