and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
