I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
