Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
