in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Randomize
