Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
