Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
