I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
