I looked at my own cervix.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
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