You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
i've created a new STD.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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