I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I woke up under a house in Key West
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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