I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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