are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize