he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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