Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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