what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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