Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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