I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
