Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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