just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
