Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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