Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
