Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
