You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
