Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize