Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
