Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
