Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
