I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
