The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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