my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
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